Friday, December 17, 2010

Reverb10 day 17

Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself
this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

So far the best thing I have learned about myself this year is that *I* own my own past.  Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot say about who I am, what I've done, who I've loved.   That may seem very basic to some of you, but to me it was huge.

I had a friend who wanted me to keep quiet about our relationship because of things that were going on in his life.  When those things ended for him I thought it should be OK to be open about our relationship.  He did not and he pressured me to be quiet - as though he owned my past and had the right to say what I could and could not do with my mementos and memorabilia.  Oh what an enormous blast of light I got when I heard myself exclaim "You don't own my past - I DO!"

So now he is part of my past, and as I go forward now and in to 2011, I intend to hang on to that blast of light and search out any other things I have been giving away that actually belong only to ME!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Reverb10 Dec 14

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in
the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

2010 you knocked me out!  What did I appreciate from you the MOST?  The log that ripped my left arm out of place?  The man/boy down the hill who sneaked in with 6 crates of gorgeous apples when I was gone?  My teensy ancient house-rooster who crows me awake every single morning?  Dear Lil Guy 20 year old Nissan truck who did not break down even once? The troublesome woman down the hill?  The seemingly unending unbearable hurt of love ended  abruptly without explanation?  The amazing gifts of total strangers?

All these wonders and many more. Of 2010 the overarching miracle for which I feel daily appreciation is that somehow I was given the gift of seeing the integration of all my many personas woven together into one graceful life.   My world has become one filled with everyday life illuminated by a strange and lovely perspective.  It is one that I have striven to achieve and despaired of ever achieving.  One that I never really thought about, and yet craved all the time.  I wanted my life to be all-of-one-piece.  Not a patchwork cobbled together - this bit of work by worker me next to that bit of play by recreational me next to that bit of housekeeping by hausfrau me.  I wanted to be ME in all of the dance, in all of the positions, in all of the costumes, in all of the stumbles.  I cannot tell you how this wholeness came about.  Perhaps it is simply time for all the pieces to fit?  I do not know.

Thank you 2010 for whipping my arrogant ass into shape so thoroughly that I came through the beating one whole integrated happy woman.  I love you 2010!  I express my gratitude simply by doing my best to maintain this wondrous state - by not allowing the world and my experiences in it to fragment me again.

Monday, December 13, 2010

December 13th Reverb10

When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's
about making ideas happen. What's your next step?_

What I want to take with me as I step in to 2011 is the determination to make this the year that I get back on my own dirt.  I have been struggling to get this thing done since my ex-husband's addictions and perfidy cost me everything that I had 12 years ago.  Never mind all the gory details of that asset massacre - I just need and want and long to be digging my toes in to my OWN DIRT again. This year I have to find the way to  make that happen for us.

I'm sick of boarding my horse out. I'm sick of being told that I cannot have the neighbor's dog over to play.  No matter how gentle or how wonderful the boss or the landlord or the stable owner is, it is just not the same as being on my own land.  I want to get up and go see my lovies in my bunny slippers and bedhead hair.  If I need to have sick chicks in the bathtub that's what I need to be able to do.  Without fearing eviction.  Without sneaking around. I need to be able to be in charge of my own everything again.

How to make this dream come into being has eluded me for so long.  I have worked and prayed and tried all kinds of schemes - this coming year I must find the correct key to unlock the gate to my Eden.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Reverb10 #11

Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment when there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

My body is not an entity that I often wish to integrate with. She is a constant source of discomfort (lie lie lie) she is a constant source of big nasty PAIN. Poor dear little one started out wonky and then was hit by a car driven by a mid-day drunk many years ago. Darlin body has had a very rough time of it and sometimes I think she wishes very much that she had gotten a kinder, lazier mistress.

I cut body very little slack. Only lately have I begun to say "oh - I truly should not do that because if I do and I get hurt again I might not get up." Oh boy do I ever HATE that! I've had so many big loves in my life that were all about BODY and using/abusing BODY to get to the high place I wanted to get to. Ice skating [crash!]. Running [rip!]. And the biggie - horseback riding [splat! crack! snap!].

My interior scaffolding is so beaten up, twisted, held together with rubberbands and paperclips and whatever else was lying about the surgery that I cannot abuse it any further.

So what was my delight this year? The moment when body and I were one and happy to be so? I gave my beauty BoJangles a long sweet bath - oh how he loves his bath. Then I walked him dry as he grazed on the early fall grass. Horse-lust overcame me and he knew the instant that he HAD me and walked over to the round pen where I climbed the rails and slid over on to his wet back. Magnificent old BoJo continued to walk sedately around the farm munching grass and allowing me to feel the play of muscles, the magical rhythm, total harmony of blended energies as he enjoyed his day while allowing me to celebrate mine. Thank You Beloved.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How
will you go about eliminating them? How will getting ride of these 11 things
change your life? _

Had to read that a couple of times before noticing that it says THINGS. Not people. Not events. THINGS. This is going to take some thought as I have been making big deliveries to the Humane Society Thrift Store, doing sales and downsizing all year. There really are not very many unnecessary THINGS left. I may have to add back people and events to make up the eleven :)

Ok so after reading dozens of other postings on this prompts I realize it is NOT about things :)

1- Addiction to solitude

2-Addiction to silence.

3-Slavery to my animals

4-Personalizing Other's nastiness

5-All forms of tale bearing

6- Competitiveness

7- Crappy wardrobe

8-Renter status

9-Ridiculous eating habits

be back later still thinking......

Friday, December 10, 2010

Reverb10 one of those days :)

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how
did it play out?_

I really WANT to answer this one. Surprise :) I must however be a little vague and somewhat circumspect because this decision involved a person who was mighty unhappy about it. I care about them and don't want to cause more hurt - BUT I'm thrilled in a chilly way to share the bones of it with you.

I asked for my keys back. No. I gently demanded my keys back. This person, loved and trusted as they had been, held the keys to everything in my life. If I had a key, they had a key. We weren't the same as we had been. They had pulled away and said over and over that they needed distance. I was hurt beyond screaming grief. Yet for a long 6 months after that they had my keys. I never had any of their keys.

One day when leaving my house and locking the door I pulled the phone from my pocket, pushed the magic button to ring the phone that is no longer answered and said. "I would like you to go get a little padded envelope, put my keys in it, and mail them to me. You don't have to drive 3 hours - just send them back please."

All Unholy Howling Hell broke loose. I had known that it would. I was accused of being deceitful, (you said we'd always be friends) of being untrusting (well since *I'm* obviously a lying thieving no-good....) It went on all day. There were 17 messages like this on my phone. I refused to play. I refused to be yelled at. I refused to yell back. But I DID go away for the remainder of the day because I know this person really well. I knew that they would HAVE to bring the keys and confront me. I left a carefully thought out note on my front porch.

When my heart told me the storm was over I erased messages ~ held the phone far away to catch the tone and press delete. I didn't listen to any but the last one. "I left the keys just inside the door with your note." Yup. Waited another half hour and went back to MY home. My home that nobody can just walk in to. Locked up MY truck.

It was the wisest, hardest, most painful decision and it was absolutely necessary and perfect. I feel gentle, balanced, and proud when I remember how I handled that day.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Reverb10 Dec. 9

Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and
what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you
different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

I know one thing makes me different, and it isn't what lights people up.  I'm different than most in that I cannot tolerate electronic noise well. It doesn't match up with my personal energy and it makes me uneasy, grumpy, and sad. So I have no radio, no TV service, and only turn on the computer sound when there is a specific thing I wish to hear.  This doesn't mean that I don't like music!  I do.  I love music - all kinds of music.  But to be good for me it must be carefully chosen, played with intent, thoughtfully, joyfully experienced, then turned off.

I do not see myself as beautiful. I'm a rather ordinary human with a life time of experiences unique to me. The only ones who see me as lovely are friends who know me well enough to hold my gaze, and there are not so many of those.  My daughter says I am intimidating.  That's bullshit.  I'm just me.  I'm tiny.  I'm incredibly strong. I carry a lot of light. As my beloved Grandma said "you always were a witchy child".  

I'm not any different than you.  If you lived in the place that I live, and had the blessed chance to be out in nature, loving and caring for the plants and animals, experiencing and communing with the Godhead in all of the birth/life/death cycle I'm willing to bet after a period of time you would be very much like me.

This isn't making much sense, is it?  Oh well - I don't hang out with the humans much so it is perfectly understandable that I cannot discern what makes me different and why in the world that would make me beautiful.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Day Two Reverb-10

Today's prompt makes it clear that this is an exercise for WRITERS. I'm not a writer. I do not wish to become a writer. I will read with interest the works of the writers :)

Sharing my life story simply is not my style. I don't talk much about me, so this is a very uncomfortable place to be. When I'm uncomfortable I leave.

Knowing that there is no more bread to be had I would happily share with you the last piece of my bread. Or anything else I have that you need. But I will not tell you about my life. You must be very close and well trusted to know about me - NOT because I am so all-fired special or secretive or different. Simply because that is who I am and how I've always been.

Now I will go and get a great recipe to share with you :)


I didn't put up the recipe. I did think all day about my flat-out rejection of today's prompt. It seemed complicated, deep inside I knew it was very simply a dodge. I really dislike myself when I resort to trickery on that level. True - I am not a writer and have no wish to be one. True, I am intensely private and play all my cards very close, keep all my self disclosure to a minimum unless I am with close friends. But STILL the little conscience birdy kept whistling "you're dodging, babe, I can see your tracks". So I had to think, and what I thought was this. I have no one thing that I passionately DO and live for and need time for. There is not one central interest in my life that I wish I had more time for or that other tasks take away from. This made me feel embarrassed - I don't want to look like the only dilettante in the limo for God's sake! These are real, dedicated writers, crafters, artists, photographers! These are people making a difference with their contributions. I don't want them looking at my flabby little blog full of whinnys and clucks and barks and purrs. Here I am out in the country doing pretty much what I please because this is how my life has turned out in spite of and because of all the moves I have made to date. So that is closer to the truth #REVERB10 friends. Have a brownie and a cuppa.